Bugs.

Today when I was gardening, I saw the grossest insect ever to step foot in my backyard.  It kind of looked like a huge ant-wasp hybrid except it had like a two-inch long abdomen.  And it was a lot uglier than an ant-wasp hybrid.  And believe me, ant-wasp hybrids are disgustingly ugly.
I will try to recreate it for you:

Gross, right?

I'm actually really beastly when it comes to bugs outside.  When I see a bug outside that is especially gross,  I usually look at it closely, like a curious six-year-old boy.  Sometimes I even poke it with a stick.  It's also common for me to call over someone to take a look at an especially cool-looking spider.  I'm really tough.

Unfortunately, all of this beastness that I have when it comes to bugs outside is totally reversed when I am in my house.  I am completely disgusted by bugs in my house.  It's almost embarrassing how bad I am - I always refuse to kill insects because that grosses me out.  Unfortunately, my house is like a warm haven for insects during the cold winter and it's an oasis during the summertime, so inevitably I am going to find a bug in my house at some point every few weeks.  When this happens, I have three strategies to deal with the bug without killing it:

1.  Call for help.

2.  Catch and release.  For this method, I find some sort of paper cup, catch the bug, and release it into my backyard.  I know what you're thinking. "Wow, she is such a genuinely kind person who saves the lives of bugs every day."  Yes, yes I am.

Except that the real reason is not because I am a kind person, but  because I am a pathetic person.  I can't even kill a measly bug.  Also, I only release bugs that seem kind of nice looking.  Like ladybugs, or sometimes slow spiders.  (I never release anything that stings or is really fast or jumps.  I'm too afraid of them to get close enough to catch them.)

3.  Ignore the bug and pretend like I never noticed it was there.

I mostly do this with moths.  But one time I used this technique with a wasp.  I noticed it buzzing in my kitchen window while I was making lunch and I didn't know what to do.  It seemed pretty angry so I definitely couldn't catch it and put it outside.  I was the only one in my house, so calling for help was out of the question. Two lifelines down, only one was left: ignore it.  I felt bad about it for like three days after the incident because I know how much my mom hates wasps and I was worried that she would find it, but it never showed up after that.  I'm just hoping my dog didn't eat it.



Ok, so I just did some research on the bug that I found in my backyard and found out some pretty gruesome information that I am going to share with you even though you don't want to hear it and it will most likely scar you for life:

PHOTO CREDIT: Sean McCann

Meet the Mud Dauber, currently residing in my backyard.  I think my drawing was pretty realistic, don't you think?

The Mud Dauber is an extremely grotesque insect that you probably never want to meet.  She carefully constructs a nest out of mud and lays little eggs into the nest.  When her beautiful babies hatch, she fixes up a delicious meal for them consisting of paralyzed wolf spiders that are paralyzed.  (I know I said that already, but paralyzed! That means they're still alive! omg.)  She is a fantastic cook, and she loves to utilize different ingredients like other types of gross-looking spiders.  She also enjoys long strolls along the beach and candle-lit dinners.  If you would like to meet Dauby, call 1-800-MATCH-MAKER today!

*weep*

My Free Brain and Idiocracy

I have no idea what to write for a post today.  So I think I'll just let my brain run loose and see what happens.  It's like a real scientific experiment with quantitative data!!! (It's an experiment to see what's in my brain and it's quantitative data because the data is the post and after reading the post that is actually the data I will be able to collect the data that is the post.... what?)

So one thing that's on my mind is the premiere of the Harry Potter movie which I am going to attend, obviously.  I am very excited and sometimes I feel like jumping up and down randomly when I think about it.  Also, I like cheese.

I've made a summer resolution, (I can never think of a resolution around New Year's, so whenever I come up with one randomly during the year I just decide to start it immediately so I don't forget), which is to be smarter.  I am not a dumb person, but actually sometimes I am.  I feel like most of the time I'm smart, and then I have this trait about me that's like ninja-dumb.  No one sees it coming and then all of a sudden I do something that is so idiotic it's laughable.  Want an example?

Well the first and foremost example would be clumsiness.  I trip over pretty much everything.  If you're clumsy, you will understand perfectly well the psychological process that I go through whilst tripping over stuff.  I know that I'm clumsy, so the second that I feel myself begin to trip or begin to do a face-plant, I immediately try to smooth out the fumble.  It's like I am trying to stay cool while eating dirt.  It usually doesn't work, but at least I think I've tried my best to keep my really cool reputation intact...
Unfortunately, the fact that I trip over things constantly and think I can hide my clumsiness by tripping smoothly is hilariously idiotic.

Here's a second example: I make up so many words that it's almost embarrassing.

It's kind of cool to make up words every once in a while; people do it all the time and it's considered comical in our society.  But the words that are cool to make up are like, "funsies" and "coinkydink".  Those are words that someone consciously decided to make up in order to be humorous.

My made-up words are generally a cause of a lack of vocabulary. I make up words that don't make any sense and sometimes I make up a word that means the exact same thing as another word that is actually in the dictionary.  Like the word "hotness".  I use that word way too much considering there is a word that means the same thing and that is "heat".

Here's another example that fits in this category:  the word "stealer".  Ok, if I was talking about the Pittsburgh Steelers, then it would be ok, but the actual word that I am looking for is "thief".  Fail.

Want another example of my idiocity?  YOU JUST GOT ONE.  Yes, I did just make up the word "idiocity".  It means "idiotness" (that is another word that I just made up).

So I just looked it up on Google, and the word "idiocity" is a synonym for "idiocracy," apparently.  But I mean, what does Google know, anyway?

Ok. I just spent a few minutes on Google and I am very confused.  Is idiocracy even a word? Or is it just an inside joke that I am not a part of?? Are you all laughing at me for thinking idiocracy is a word??  WhAT is HAPPENINg tO the PlaNEt???????


EDIT:  The word is idiocy.  Point proven.

The Top Ten Worst Ways to Wake Up

I love sleeping, as do many people, I assume.  Sometimes I look forward to going to bed even more than I look forward to eating.  And that is a lot.

Most of the time, my night's sleep is not quite long enough, due to the early wake-up time for school or work.  You all probably know the feeling - you wake up and feel like somebody just stole your sleep out from under you, causing you to crash violently into consciousness.  It sucks.

Here is a list of the worst possible ways to wake up:

1.  Alarm.
Every night, I habitually set my alarm for the next morning.  I have no idea why I do because my body has trained itself to turn the alarm off without waking itself up.  I am now an expert at hitting the snooze without my brain registering the fact that my alarm is sounding.  Even worse, the alarm goes off every fives minutes, yet I wake up about thirty minutes after the first alarm, meaning I hit the alarm six times without the slightest realization that it is continuously making futile attempts to wake me.  Basically, I sleep through my alarm while hitting the snooze button.

OBVIOUSLY I AM SMARTER THAN MY ALARM AND I WIN.

2. Dog.
Sometimes my dog wakes me up.  This is extremely annoying.  Unlike the heartwarming dog-alarms that movies portray, i.e. a lick on the face, a lolling tongue and a wagging tail, my dog comes into my room and does one of the following:
1. Whines.
2. Scratches at the door.
3. Throws up.

Let me just say, NOT FUN.

3. Mother.

4. Text.
When I wake up because my phone is buzzing on my bedside table, I usually feel like strangling a small animal.  SHUT UP, FRIENDS! I DON'T LIKE YOU!

5. Falling out of bed.
Falling out of bed is a horrible way of waking up for two reasons:
Firstly, it jerks you awake like somebody poured water all over your face.
Secondly, usually the primary reason you fell out of bed in the first place is because you were moving around while sleeping: a sure sign that you were having a very active, intense dream that you probably didn't want to end.

6. Nightmare.
I usually wake up due to nightmares in the early hours of the morning.  This is a very unfortunate way to wake up because I usually can't fall asleep again.  The thoughts of monsters, zombies and vampires makes me a little freaked out.

7. Hiccups.
Having hiccups is probably one of the worst ways to wake up.  Not only do you wake up from a beautiful night's sleep, but you also have to deal with THE most annoying involuntary action that can happen to humans.

8. Pee.
I hate having to go to the bathroom at night.  I'm like, "Bladder, I hate you."

9. Heat.
I also hate waking up feeling like a sweaty ball of hot.  It feels miserable.  Waking up cold, however, is actually quite nice.  When I'm cold, I can cuddle up into my blankets and sleep twice as deeply.

10. Woodpecker.
Have you ever had a woodpecker peck at the side of your house right next to your room while you are trying to sleep?  I hope for your sake that the answer is no.  Having a woodpecker wake you up is like having someone drill a hole into your skull except ten times as loud and a little less physically painful.

Goodnight, I'm going to sleep now.

IS THIS REAL?

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, J.

How to Introduce Your Blog to Friends

WARNING: This post does not include any drawings.  But if you use your imagination, it's almost as cool as one with drawings.



Introducing my blog to others has been a constant worry from the start.  It's not because I'm worried how they will react... well, ok.  It is because I am worried how they will react.

I feel as if I am introducing my weird twin who happens to only speak animal-language and is paranoid about an upcoming zombie apocalypse to all of my school friends who didn't even know I had a sister.  I mean, wouldn't you feel a little self-conscious about introducing this kind of person to your friends?

Except it is worse for me, because unfortunately, it is not my twin, it is me. I am the one who only speaks animal-language and is constantly worried about an upcoming zombie apocalypse. 

Many people don't know this weird side of me that likes to obsess over magical creatures and draw weird cartoons that hardly make any sense.  I guess I'm kind of like Two-Face.  I have my normal, slightly shy and extremely awkward self, and then I have "BeeBee".  She's the side of me that likes to make smoothies out of every single content of the refrigerator and ride unicorns in her spare time.  I guess she's also awkward.  I might not be quite as epically awesome as Two-Face, but you get the picture.

(Pretty much me.)

So first off, I came up with a few ideas of how I could introduce my blog to friends without them quite knowing what I am doing, therefore hopefully skipping the awkward stage.

1. Bring it up in conversation, but pretend like I don't write the blog.

Me:  Hey, I was reading this hilarious post on theartofbeebeeing.blogspot.com about dragons. IT WAS SO FUNNY.

I will articulate each syllable of the URL so that they go and visit it.  And I mean, it's not too far from the truth.  I do sometimes sit in my room cracking up at myself.  Sometimes I wonder if people are entertained by the kind of stuff I'm entertained by.  Like a support group for Mermaid-wannabes.  I mean, that's hilarious... right?? (If you have no idea what the heck I am talking about, click here!)

2.  Send them a picture with the URL discreetly placed in the image.  It will be like a ninja form of subliminal messaging.

LOOK AT THIS COOL WATERFALL.

3.  Whenever anyone wants to email me, I will force them to go through my blog to get my email.  That way they will HAVE to look at my posts.

4.  Post it as a Facebook status.

I also came up with a few ways to explain this alter-ego to others just in case they bring up my blog and the fact that I am so much different in person:

1.  Oh, that blog?  I have NO idea.

2.  WAIT, WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

3.  Yeah, that's me.  I'm usually writing during one of my insomniac moments or when I'm really high off of sugar... don't worry.

4.  I don't know what you are talking about.

5.  Yeah, don't you wish you had a unicorn?

6.  You're just jealous of my dragon-catching skilz.

7.  Oh... you know who writes that?  It's the funniest thing... it's actually my evil twin sister! Isn't she weird??

8.  Vahhh?? NO SPEEK EEN-GLEESH.


I think these are probably the best ways to avoid a confrontation about my weirdness.

YAY!

So, I just wanted to announce that I finally got my new laptop!!! I am over the moon about it.  Unfortunately, I haven't yet figured out how I am going to draw pictures and edit them using this computer.  If you have been losing sleep over the fact that I haven't posted in the past few days (which would be kind of sad but also really awesome) then I apologize.  I actually am working on a post, but I just have to figure out how to do the drawings!!! I just wanted to post something right now, because I feel like it's been an eternity since I did anything on here.

So....
um.

...here is a cool picture of a real Liger for your enjoyment:

If I were in charge of the world...

If I were in charge of the world the first thing I would do is transform our world into Harry Potter's, except without Voldemort.

This is actually the third thing I would do after creating world peace and eliminating hunger. 

After changing the world into Harry Potter's, I would make everyone's mind work like a six-year-old's so that all anyone thought about was ice cream, magic, and "where do butterflies come from?".  That way no one would be mature enough to think about anything bad. 

I would also make high school fun and I might install trampolines throughout the school.

The other thing I would do is put myself in charge of all of the senior superlative awards at the end of the year, as well as deciding who is prom queen.

One of my friends told me, "if I were in charge of the world I would make ice cream fall from the sky".  I understand that this is something that sounds kind of cool, but it actually wouldn't be cool at all.  Because it's actually quite hard to catch falling ice cream and you would probably be a complete mess after attempting this for a few minutes. 

It would be much better to just give unlimited ice cream to everyone around the world.  That way everyone would feel happy and constantly be on a sugar high. 

I guess I wouldn't give ice cream to people living in really cold climates, though, because that would just be cruel.  Instead I would give them kittens.

AH! Not to eat the kittens, just to play with the kittens! You have a dirty mind.

If I were in charge of the world, the other thing I would do is eliminate allergies because allergies suck apparently.  I've actually never had any allergies, but I've heard that sometimes they are more annoying than being hit on the head by a coconut every two seconds for your entire life.

I would also make everyone eat their vegetables, because in contrast to many people's opinion, vegetables are like ninja food.  Also, I would give everyone a ton of blackberries: they are amazing for eating and for your health.

I would also bring back the Beatles because they make the world a better place.

What would you do if you were in charge of the world?

How to Know if You Are Insane

Ever wonder how insane you truly are?   It's not black and white - people can be just a tad bit batty or they can be completely loco.  If you would like to know, take this scientifically accurate quiz to determine the extent of your insanity:

For every "yes", give yourself a point.  At the end, add up your points to discover whether or not you should admit yourself to a psychiatric ward.


Give yourself a point if you have ever....

1.  Asked the question, "are you real?"

2.  Walked down the stairs of your house holding a completely random inanimate object over your head, ready to strike at the murderer that you are 100% sure is waiting to kill you because you heard a sound, and found that your house is empty.  Except for you, of course.  If this has happened to you, you probably are more dangerous than the imaginary murderer, anyhow.

3.  Talked to yourself.

4.  Talked to yourself in a foreign accent.

5.  Talked to yourself in a foreign accent while yelling at the top of your lungs.

6.  Tried dog food to see how it tasted.

7.  Tried dog food to see how it tasted and found that you quite enjoyed it.

8.  Started cracking up in a silent place like a church, library, or standardized exam testing center for no obvious reason.

9.  Thought you saw a small animal running across the floor, and realized it really wasn't there.

10.  Screamed for no reason.

11.  Been told by your neighbors that "your dog is quite the barker" and you don't own a dog.

12.  Seriously considered checking your DNA to see if you were a robot.

13.  Assumed that "Paranormal Activity" was an actual documentary.

14.  Yelled random names at complete strangers to see if you could correctly guess their name.

15.  Blamed an inanimate object for something that you probably did.

15.  Ridden a unicorn. 

16.  Lost sleep worrying about an upcoming zombie apocalypse.

17.  Thought that Arkansas was pronounced phonetically.

18.  Believed that Santa Claus was real up until high school.

19.  Just wept silently while reading #18.

20.  Taken a quiz titled "How to Know if You Are Insane".




If you answered 0-3 as "yes":

You are surprisingly normal.  Go eat some pie, you deserve it.


If you answered 4-9 as "yes":

You are a normal to slight amount insane.  I wouldn't worry too much, but if you suddenly realize that you have become a hermit that can only speak pig-latin and animal-language and everyone is terrified of you, perhaps you should visit the doctor.


If you answered 10-15 as "yes":

I'm slightly worried for you.  Either you are insane, or slightly stupid.  Ask a really honest friend if you are slightly stupid.  If the answer is no, I urge you to visit a doctor.

If you answered 16-20 as "yes":

You are clinically insane.  Congratulations!  You are past the point of no return, so I'd just skip the doctor all together.  Instead, I would subscribe to my blog, considering you'd probably find quite a few commonalities with me.  Your insanity might also cause you to think my posts are strangely hysterical.